Safe and sound

 "I really like this pillow. It allows me to fall asleep comfortably each night. I feel safe when I am sleeping in my own bed now. Before, living as a single woman in an apartment by yourself, you never truly feel safe. Now, I can sleep soundly because I have the comforting feeling of someone with me, though it may only be a pillow." (An actual review)

Pro-rodent policy

Krystall was relieved to find this car…  Stubs, her hamster, had wanted to train for the Indy 500 but couldn’t get past the obvious discriminatory regulations regarding the size of the vehicles. Although NASCAR seemed decidedly pro-rodent, none of the officials had stepped up to demand the allowance of alternate-species vehicles. This year would be different for all hamsterkind, Krystall thought, as she placed the order on layaway.

Hard times

Although the economy had forced Claudette to frequent all-you-can-eat establishments, she refused to be confused with "those people." "My palette had grown accustomed to the Lobster Shack, but the ambiance was so unrefined," she recalls. This Victorian bib was just what was needed to class-up the meal. "I may be forced to eat like a Barbarian, but I refuse to look like one!"

Appropriate levels of inappropriate patriotism

Melinda knew this bikini was a must-have for Peaches’ swimming lessons and 4th of July picnic next summer. She simply didn’t want to live in an America where this wasn’t appropriate.

Does the body good

For 23 years "Jessica," 24, was tortured with a debilitating phobia of messy spoons exacerbated by insatiable chocolate milk cravings. "True story. The Moo Mixer Supreme saved my life."

Blending in

Kevin was all atwitter about the prospect of being able to stalk his ex-girlfriend in daylight hours thanks to this clever car disguise.*

*We at invaluables actually really want this item. (For differnet reasons, obviously.) It happens sometimes.

Instant classic

Jessica excitedly reviewed her recent dress purchase, “I just wish it had a few more ruffles for the ruffle-themed wedding I’m about to attend. I do love it, though! It’s super travel-friendly, and I know I’ll get tons of wear out of it! Talk about a new wardrobe staple!”

Wrong address

Having already been burned by his "bad ass" Chinese character tattoo that turned out to actually translate into "old man with IBS," Charles grew suspiscious of the accuracy of the coordinates on his new latitude & longitude doormat. He had specifically told the sales person on the phone that he was "living in hell." And although the Web site assured him that when guests arrived they would know exactly where they were, visitors seemed oblivious.

Self-esteem issues

“I was so tired of looking at my cat with her natural hair. Boring much? I mean brunette tiger stripes every day? Poor thing. I knew her self esteem was in the litter box with that tired old ‘do. This kitty wig has been such a godsend!!! Ms. Whiskers-Fawcett is just so much more confident and happy now (just look at her), and no longer afraid of change! We’ve been exploring color contacts and breast augmentation.” –Testimonial by owner

Unzipped hysteria

Jared thought the glass bowl that looked like a plastic bag was hilarious. He couldn’t stop giggling, “It’s not plastic, it’s glass! It’s NOT plastic, it’s GLASS!” as he downed fistfuls of gummy bears in fits of hysteria. Ten minutes later, the glass bag empty, Jared began to ponder the emptiness of the universe and the slumped plasticity of his soul. Then he went to the garage to smoke more weed.

You're toast.

Ben was so sick and tired of his roommates stealing his Ironkids toast. It was finally time to let them know just who they were dealing with; a passive-aggressive pirate.

Sticks and stones

“When isn’t $1245 reasonable for a replica bust like this?” Kyle thought to himself as he swiped his debit card and tingled with excitement. “Next time someone calls me a pinhead, I’ll show them! Note to self: must determine how to bring back the term ‘pinhead.’”

Protect your assets

Sylvester always found the most frustrating thing about hiking with a mullet was how to protect his party-in-the-back tendrils from those pesky bugs—until now.

Relaxing tether

“I’m so tired of using my hands to apply gentle pressure to my thighs and calves!” Suzanne exclaimed. “These make personal shin massage so easy! Plus, I just love being tethered to the side of the couch closest to an outlet, in non-breathable inflatable boots to get my chillax on-- it is simply the perfect Friday night.”

Read my [wine stained] lips

“I always feel so stuffy and unsexy drinking wine out of plain wine glasses,” thought Darleen. “Finally someone figured out the perfect sexy wine glass just needs sexy, literally, written all over it with some leopard spots and stripes and lipstick marks, obviously. I’ll take eight!”

Bird of another feather

Jackson couldn’t contain himself when he finally found a way to remain anonymous while bird watching with Paulette.

An odoriferous decision

Because so many scenes in this play are evocative of great smells—dusty theaters, graveyards, sewers—Mavis couldn’t think of one reason NOT to buy this perfume. Plus, the bottle shape was reminiscent of something else she just couldn’t put her finger on…

What a relief

Mandee was thrilled with the versatility of her new wedding gown. As she slipped it on, her worries of how she would look stunningly fashionable and nurse her baby at the alter just melted away. Admiring herself in the mirror, she felt sorry for all those brides who look back on their wedding day and regret the dress they chose... She knew she never would.

Dining etiquette

As George unpacked his new dining room chairs, he knew the days of Mrs. Licks-a-Lot's dinner parties turning into scenes from Animal House were a thing of the past.